Dear Diary...
What one year of journaling has done for me.
One year ago, I bought myself a journal. Okay, fine, you already caught me in a lie. It was eleven months ago… Eleven and a half, if you want to be precise, surely you can allow me to just round up for the sake of this discussion!
I know sharing the contents of my journal on a platform where thousands of eyes could potentially click upon this issue and read every word may seem counterproductive, but… when have I ever not compulsively overshared? This isn’t new for me.
Context: I was put into therapy at a very young age. I can say a lot about my childhood, but one thing I CAN NOT say is that I was raised in a culture that stigmatized therapy. We all talked about our therapists over dinner. Now, the reason I had to be in therapy was, in fact, because of my childhood, but… you know, at least a therapist was accessible to me. I say all of that to say…. I probably should go back to therapy! And the importance of writing in a journal was ingrained in my head at a very young age. Something about having a direct, tangible relationship between me and my inner dialogue saved me many times growing up. This past year has been the first time in my adult life that I decided I needed to journal again, and I can now say that I have a different relationship with journaling. To me, a journal can be your best friend to keep through the highs and the lows, rather than just when you’re struggling. Something about documenting your worst crash-outs, as well as your highest accomplishments, all becomes like a time capsule of a moment.
Still, I truthfully wish I was more consistent with updating my journal nowadays. After one year, I can say I’ve updated it about 57 times* (*Maybe. I’ve written in that thing a few more times since I’ve started editing this) out of (roughly, I actually got it on July 2nd, and we’re currently still in June) 365 days. Which isn’t necessarily baddddd… but there’s no real consistency here. I tried to update it every day at first…. which then became at least once a week… which then became at least once a month… and that didn’t necessarily end up happening, either. What matters is I tried my best! I didn’t always utilize it when I needed it most, because bringing my pen to my paper was sometimes draining… but I did always find my way back to her, is what matters. I also got new glitter gel pens very recently, and I was VERY excited to make use of two of my most prized purchases.
The following is the first entry I wrote in my journal, completely unedited.
7/2/24 12:04 A.M
So… this is a journal?
I am on my twenty-fourth year, and I am NOT where I had once envisioned I would be… I’m just… STUCK.
9:50 A.M
I am struggling to even find a path to where I had once dreamt of being. I don’t know where I see myself in 5 years… but I refuse for it to be here.
On the bright side --- my daily yoga+meditation has brought SUCH peace into my life…. And if my degree comes in, I WILL quit my job, immediately.
Will update later.
8:19 P.M
I need to… do better. I keep making… bad decisions. I need to be more conscious of how my actions impacts others. (SCRIBBLES OUT A WORD THAT I CAN NOT DECIPHER) What if one day I cross a line I can’t undo? What if I am forgiven now, but hurt someone later? To a degree I can’t come back from? I can’t turn back time - actions are permanent. ‘My best’ is not yet good enough.
11:57 P.M
I had to apologize for so much today - all I can do is hope I learn from that instead of falling down the same patterns of behavior. I can be better than I was this week. I just have to try.
P.S: current read - A Love Song for Ricki Wilde by Tia Williams - pg. 18
Revisiting this has me transported right back to where I was that day, which simultaneously feels worlds apart from where I am now - despite also being in the same place, physically. I’m in a different state of mind, which isn’t to say I’m just so much better off now. Seeing me beat myself up to such an aggressive degree, the very first day I got my journal… it doesn’t feel right. Being so critical of both the decisions I was making, and the circumstances I was living within. I look back at that moment in time and acknowledge how I was literally doing my best. A lesson I think most people could learn is to move with more grace towards oneself. Perhaps writing in a journal for one year can be the best way to learn that lesson. There’s something about writing a situation out and then re-reading your past thoughts. It separates you from the moment a bit. You can view something more objectively. You disconnect your feelings from reality. In my personal experience, I’ve found I am more inclined to be critical of myself and those around me when I am inside a moment, as you lack greater perspective that comes with reflection. There’s something about writing out what happened that has me able to ground myself more. I am able to form a healthier relationship with my innerself through journaling.
I also think this form of reflection helped me grow from making the mistakes I was hard on myself for to begin with. I’m more mindful now than I was just one year ago. Empathy should be a very easy and universal emotion to subscribe to, but a reminder of humanity in yourself and those around you can never hurt. I’ve found detailing my relationships with others, to be a clear reminder that we are all on a very human journey. Most people are just trying their best and not acting out of malice.
I’ve given myself more grace on feeling “stuck” on my journey, as well. I don’t think that was ever quite true in 2024. I’ve been consistently progressing since I re-enrolled in college back at the end of 2023. Even at that time, I saw a lot of people I went to High School with graduating college that year, as I was deciding to re-enroll. I started going back already feeling as though I was “behind,” but… literally everybody’s journey is different. The point should always be… even if I’m “behind,” I’m still moving forward. Comparison is not meant to be how you live your life, as nobody else knows the inner world you are dealing with besides yourself. Just because someone graduated a few years before you did, doesn’t mean they are more evolved than you or you should feel jealous or bitter of them. Yes, any emotion that arises within you is valid, but also… trust in the process that you are walking in the right path for yourself. Everything happens for a reason, as long as you are searching for your reason.
Of course, journaling isn’t the beginning and end cure to all mental health crises. As I mentioned, I have committed to keeping a semi-consistent yoga and meditation routine, which keeps me grounded and connected with a sense of peace. Keeping a written record of progress in the form of a journal, though, does prove to me that self-care is a key factor to mental stability. I’ve seen how I evolve in talking about myself now compared to one year ago. I might actually like myself now!
I look to the next year, more secure in my sense of self. Embracing the changes that are to come but not rushing what isn’t meant for me. Taking the steps that are necessary but not forcing what isn’t natural. But, not shying away from my fair share of impulsion, too. I think I’m going to start making at least one really bad and self-destructive choice per week… just for the plot.