TW // discussion of trauma, abuse, mental illness, etc. etc. etc. just girly things
I’ve never felt less in control of my own life than this year.
Perhaps that seems dramatic. I am the only one living my life. I have full control over what I do or don’t do. However, whether it be expectations of others, responsibilities I have, commitments I made, it felt as though so much of my 2023 was spent with other people’s priorities at the forefront of my mind. As though the direction I have been in has been dictated by others. Even on the internet, I put so much stock in the fear of disappointing other people. To the point of burning myself out.
It’s not as though I regret that side of me. The side obsessed with people-pleasing, but I just can’t stop myself. In anything I do. I will move mountains to make sure everybody around me is comfortable, actively at the expense of myself. Moving mountains isn’t an easy task, after all, I get wounded in the process.
I suppose that taught me the valuable lesson that I hope to step into throughout 2024: Don’t do that anymore!!! Typing that alone actually stresses me out. If I put this into the atmosphere, I will feel it hovering over me, and I don’t know how I will manage to actually commit to it.
I’m a naturally anxious person, we’ve discussed that before. The idea of saying “no” to someone can literally lead me into a panic attack on a bad day. I am going to be 24… *shivers* this year. I have to be able to reprioritize my life, or else I will never progress. In my goals, in my happiness, in my… life at all. I have to reprogram my brain to realize that it doesn't make me selfish to prioritize myself.
I mentally beat myself up daily, which is another thing I should work on. I put myself in other people’s shoes and picture the worst possible scenario about myself. Thinking everybody is against me, even if they give me no reason to believe as such. I over-analyze every single thing I say to someone, every single thing someone says to me. If I don’t over-analyze everything in the moment, I can’t stop thinking about the conversation afterwards. Thinking how I could have been misinterpreted takes up so much of my life. In 2024… lord, help me care less.
In December of 2022, something just shifted in my brain. As I nearly collapsed on the floor, crying, right in front of my co-worker (sorry to my co-worker) after getting into an argument with my boss. I thought I was going to lose my stupid job, but I needed my stupid job to get stupid money. This situation made me precisely aware of how I navigate through my life. I drive myself nearly sick every morning, and I don’t even know why on most days. There’s an invisible weight floating above my head, threatening to crush me, and I wish I could just understand why it is there.
I only took one psychology class in college, so I don’t know if there’s logic put onto this, but I believe my anxiety developing with time is a direct result of the trauma I have faced from different situations of abuse I’ve experienced throughout my life. I’ve been dealing with these flashes of memories since the middle of 2022. I could be talking to somebody, blink, and have a memory of getting punched in the stomach over and over again, always places where nobody could see the bruises. I have to walk away from the conversation. I could also just be by myself, talking to nobody, and picture somebody looming over me, their knee pressing into my lungs, as I struggle to stay breathing. Full disclosure, I’ve suppressed a lot of the memories. I don’t have a full recollection of the details. Perhaps my memories have become more intense as I’ve grown separated from these incidents. I don’t want to mischaracterize what I went through, as the details have been blurred… but the flashes that come in my head became crippling. They were occurring at least once per week, spanning months of my life in 2022.
At the start of 2023, it got to the point where I didn’t want to speak to anyone. Even the people closest to me. To this day, I’m very wary of trusting people. If one person could hurt me (and trust me, it hasn’t been Just One Person) anybody could hurt me.
I sort of lost the plot, didn’t I? I guess where I’m going with this is… I hope I wake up on January 1st, 2024, with a new brain entirely. My brain is broken. Perhaps it does all circle back to each other. Maybe I’m so scared of disappointing people, because I fear that if I disappoint someone, they will feel justified to hit me. My last boyfriend never physically abused me, but he would mentally torment me. The two years I dealt with such a toxic relationship instilled in me this mentality where I would do anything to fit into what he had expected of me, in hopes it would make him choose to be nice to me. What if I say “no” to someone and they choose to call me worthless, fat, and ugly?
To end this year of the not j*ss newsletter, let it be known… I feel myself reaching a better place. A better place than I’ve been in years. This particular issue may not sound like it, but this year has been an active journey of re-discovering my worth. I’ve opened up to people, I’ve sought out a community in which I can feel comfortable. It’s not without anxiety, moments of distrust or second guessing, but I’m not burying myself anymore.
Last year, on December 31st, I posted my The Last Three Years issue, and I ended by saying that by next year (now) I wanted to take control of my own life and to be in a better place. I gave myself too small of a deadline, but as I grow more and more, I see the path in which I’m headed. I’m starting college again next month and will hopefully have a degree by the end of the year. I’m creating more career goals for myself. I’m learning to trust people again. And, for the first time in years, I’m optimistic. About what’s to come. Please, let it not be false hope.
It took losing all sense of control to realize that the only person stopping me is myself. I can do anything I want, if I just decide that is something I can do. Today, as I’m writing this, I posted on X asking everyone what their 2024 goals are. My goal is to control my own happiness. Do things I want to do because I want to do them and not because that’s what people want from me. Easier said than done. Perhaps it’ll take self-healing. But I know I am capable of doing it. Because I am the one living my life. Nobody else.
I wanted this all to connect to a movie somehow, so I could post a clip and use it as the thumbnail for this issue… but I couldn’t find a natural way to incorporate anything into this, so here’s a clip from Greta Gerwig’s Little Women. The best movie of all time! Happy 2024, everybody. Know that you are loved, appreciated, and that you are the only person in control of your life. Remember that and use that as your gift this year.
Happy 2024!! Good luck on ur new college endeavors!!