What is GOING ON, January?

It's STILL.... not over.

This started as a journal entry of sorts, but one that I’ve decided to share with all of the internet.

Dear diary,

I don’t know if I believe a single person has been having a “good” January this year. Nobody I know, at least, is doing particularly “well” right now. Don’t even lie to me!

Politically, it goes without saying. We’re all suffering one way or another. Culturally, it’s starting to feel as though there’s a collective out there actively - and rapidly - moving us backwards. I’m not really talking about just that, though it certainly underlines all the other issues going on right now. The constant stress I’m under when I scroll any social media for more than 30 seconds is certainly not helping anything.

On a personal level, though, is anyone having a “good” January? Like, at all? That is my one question. As impossible as it is to separate the political climate from our day to day lives, on a personal level it seems as though everything is working against me as well… and I’m convinced I’m not alone! The devil has truly been working, no? January has stuck around. December 31st feels like a lifetime ago despite not having even been 30 days yet as I’m writing this.

My year started out on rough grounds, with every passing week feeling as though the universe is making sure my life will be as uncomfortable as humanly possible. Every day of this month has been strenuous work for me. When I’d finally manage to get one door to close, another door would forcibly break itself down and leave a gaping hole in the process. I burnt out, emotionally, to the point I started struggling to function in the circles around me that used to bring me comfort. I used to struggle very badly with PTSD, on and off for almost ten years up until 2022. The most sudden things would trigger me, and I’d struggle to even function. I especially couldn’t communicate what I was going through to others. For the past two years, I had reached a state of peace. However, with everything piling up in every direction, I could feel the storm clouds start to find me again. This actually terrified me. I don’t remember much of my childhood, so the darkest periods of my life don’t stem from the abuse I had faced, but from the aftermath it had on my mental health. The thought of resorting back to feeling like that every day again shook me to my core. I knew I had to create my own peace again.

I admit to being purposefully vague about a lot of what I went through, both this year and in the past. I suppose it’s because I want to keep up this tightrope of transparency while also not exposing myself so completely. All you need to know, at this moment in time, is I had a lot thrown at me in the past month. Very suddenly. With no warning. I was thrown into a situation with nothing to latch onto. No way to prevent anything happening. I just had to accept what was happening. It was all irreversible.

This had me at a sense of loss. Not because of what happened, necessarily, but the aimlessness it forced me into. So much was happening around me, and I was becoming a passenger on a trip I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a part of. I lost so much of my direction; I’m still actively struggling to find my way back on course. I’ve taken my first steps back on track, though.

Accepting what, and who, you can’t control is the first step of enlightenment. You can have all of these plans. These escape routes. These back-doors. But one person can disrupt everything by not being who you had thought they were. Or just by circumstance. The only thing you can control is yourself. Nothing about this year looks as what I had planned. Everything seems to have gone wrong more often than things seemed to have gone right. It’s easy to dwell on that. I’ve certainly cried several tears this year. However, perhaps it’s time to just accept what I can’t control and move forward in learning from that. Easier said than done, especially when what I can’t control can be horrific. This advice certainly isn’t universal, but it’s been helping me for now.

A few days ago, I revisited Pamela Anderson’s fabulous documentary, Pamela: A Love Story. I didn’t revisit this for any particular reason, outside of adoring her performance in The Last Showgirl, which made me want to see the footage they used from her Broadway debut in Chicago. But a quote of hers struck me. It was near the end of the doc, where she says:

“I want to embrace the past. I want to embrace the truth. My life is not a ‘woe is me’ story. I’m not a victim. I put myself in crazy situations and survived them. As much pain as we can endure in our lives, is kind of the catalyst to all the great stuff like poetry, music, art. I’m grateful for all of the experiences I had, and I don’t blame anybody for anything. I’m glad it happened.”

Though I’ve seen this film before, this quote - both in the context of her career and my life - really came to me at the right time. As well as the last line before the credits rolled:

“I have no idea what I’m going to do next. My kids are grown. I’m basically alone… But I kind of like this moment right now, where I have no clue what’s gonna happen, and I know I, supposedly at this part of my life, I should be settled in somewhere, but… I don’t know. Maybe I’ll know next week.”

The Last Showgirl came to her after Gia Coppola watched this documentary, by the way! So, that quote hits different now more than ever, because… a truly monumental performance.

This really isn’t an issue about Pamela Anderson… but since the topic came up, might as well give her some 10s.

I bring these quotes up because they embody what I’m currently trying to learn. The uncertainty, the aimlessness, the feeling of loss and not knowing where to go next, can be an opportunity. Whether it be a lesson you learn, or something that inspires a piece of art you want to create. Every accomplishment, every moment that is incredible for you, comes after you have faced loss. You need the confusion before the liberation. You need to embrace the terrible things that lead you astray, to appreciate the outcome. To appreciate the person you have become. This advice isn’t universal. I’d never suggest that every horrible thing happens for a reason, especially in the context of our world now. Even on a personal level, if I had a time machine, I absolutely would take myself out of so many situations that happened when I was younger. Situations no child deserves to be involved in. But I also acknowledge I am who I am because of the pain, not in spite of it.

January is over in just 6 hours. All I can do is hope I am leaving this month better than I entered it. Hopefully I learned something. Hopefully the rest of the year will be easier. If not, I’m more equipped to handle what is to come. I’m leaving you all on a very uncertain note.

Love and light.