Another Year

Did we live? Did we?

I thought I would die this year.

Does that sound dramatic? Perhaps.

These feelings didn’t feel hyperbolic, though. From the very start of this year, a sense of defeat washed over me. I go into every year optimistic. I publish my yearly retrospectives every December 31st and become convinced I’ve found the answers to protecting my peace and mental health. Yet, this year humbled me instantaneously.

2025 was strenuous, to say the least, from the very first day. I quite honestly did not think this year would end. To be honest, I am still struggling to process how it’s still December. Am I living in an alternate dimension? The twilight zone? Am I trapped? When I go to sleep, will I wake up to see December 32nd? December 1st feels like it was 6 months ago.

I don’t mean to imply I wish time went by faster. I often feel the opposite. As corny as it sounds, I know life is far too short and fragile to want time to disappear. However, I just wish it could be easier. Sometimes, at least. Does it ever get easier? I believe lessons can be learned in the turbulent moments, but at what point does too much turbulence leave the lessons getting lost?

I really don’t like to believe in “bad years” for myself. Everything comes with highs and lows. You need the lows to appreciate the highs. I’ve also grown less fixated on the concept of time. If you are always counting down, you are missing out on the actual days you are living. I could harp on the negativity this year, but the highs were also present. No matter how many times it felt as though I was hitting rock bottom, I can still look around and see what I have. I recognize that, though I also recognize there were several points throughout this year where it became increasingly difficult to see the optimistic side of things. Where living in my brain became a trap.

When I was very young, I was taught of the dangers of being in close proximity to a narcissist. How quickly that relationship can become abusive. From that time, I learned to walk on eggshells. If I step too far out of line, I might get hit. Shrinking myself had become a means of survival. This year is when I found my voice again. I realized that people do not like when someone takes control of their own agency, especially if they felt as though they had power over you. Learning to live with not always being seen as “likable” is an important step in becoming your full self. It’s not selfish to take back your own power, it’s simply imperative for self-fulfillment. I look back at my younger self and see a total blank slate. Almost completely non-verbal as a response to years of trauma. I used to question what I could have done differently. Though I think there’s virtue in processing what you could learn to avoid awful future situations, narcissistic and abusive personalities will always be what they are. It’s never the fault of the person being targeted. It’s just now I know I will never submit to them again.

The hardest part of dealing with narcissists, is most people won’t have that same experience with them. They’ll be the most charismatic person in the room. That’s their trick. They’ll try to paint you as the crazy one. This year started with a funeral, and I’ve been forced to confront the fact that I will never have the same experience with this man that others uncomplicatedly had.

I felt similarly isolated a lot throughout much of this year. I appreciate everybody in my life, yet sometimes it felt as though I couldn’t speak too much of my truth without it becoming inconvenient for somebody else. Not because they make me feel that way. Not that at all! If anyone makes you feel that way, they are NOT the right people for your own peace. Rather, I am constantly spiraling in my head over how I could be perceived. I operate in Worst Case Scenario’s. I was going through my phone history over the past year. My camera roll, my social medias, my texts, my notes. I spent a lot of this year feeling this sense of impending dread. Part of this was just a horrible burnout from being a full-time student on top of working 5 days a week. This heightened the emotional turmoil I was already facing in my personal and family life. I assumed if I went to anybody about this, though, they would either not care or assume I’m just thinking about myself too much. At the start of the year and up until July, I closed myself off. As a result… I cried… so much! I’ve since realized that connection is so very important. Whether the connection grows into something greater, or whether the connection crashes and burns. It’s important to connect. To reach out. To verbalize what you are experiencing. Chances are, they will understand.

I reconnected with an old friend a month or two ago, and I learned so much about myself in the process. It was a negative experience, but one that taught me that I am evolving in a direction that is positive. I am not an inherently negative person. I don’t dwell on the past or hold onto grudges from over a decade ago. When things are negative, I look to the future. I look at what things can be, not what things once were.

On my 25th birthday, I vowed to move through this year as my most true and authentic self… and while many obstacles came in my way… I may not be exactly where I had envisioned myself at the start of the year… I can confidently say I did that.

And I’m happy with who I am.

Happy New Year.