How to Enter a New Era

I sort of graduated.

The closing scene from The First Wives Club is one of my favorite moments in all of cinema. If you don’t know anything about this movie, it’s centered on a group of women each getting left by their husbands for younger women. A devastating end of an era in their lives. Yet, they find community in one another. Community that is rooted in the common want for revenge. In the end, they each come out of this better because of what they had been through. This final scene marks a true triumphant beat of cinema as they dance their way into a new era of their lives. This has nothing to do with the rest of this particular issue, but it sparks such pure bliss in me in a way nothing else can achieve whatsoever. I’ve never been divorced, yet this moment has resonated with me ever since I first watched it. Walking into an uncertain future with a new community and new-found optimism. Not dwelling on what has been lost in your past but entering a new era with open arms: singing, dancing and smiling. This isn’t a First Wives Club review issue, though… so I will promptly move on.

On May 6th of the year 2024, I completed the required credits it took to graduate from the community college I have been attending (well, attending online) with an associate’s degree in English. If you know me, you may be aware just how very long of a journey this has been. A hell of a lot longer than the two years it’s traditionally meant to take in achieving an associate degree, that much is for sure. I first started attending classes in 2018, so… mathematically speaking, I was supposed to be done by 2020. It is now 2024, as I assume you are aware if you’re reading this as I publish it (Unless you don’t use any sort of calendar and are just walking through life blind of time. In that case… hey!!! You made it to 2024!!). Back to my point being, me and college have developed an on-again/off-again arc. A slow burn, if you will.

When I first dropped out of college in 2020, I thought the chapter of my life had been closed. Permanently. Full stop. I can’t really articulate what encouraged me to go back this year. Perhaps it was just the lack of answer I had when people asked what I was doing. College is just The Thing To Do, you know? At least it was always just expected of me. I was seeing people around me who didn’t… struggle in the same way I did, and most of them graduated last year. Added onto the fact I’m just really tired of my retail job, but then it’s like… damn, maybe being a Liberal Arts-English major wasn’t the right choice then. Regardless of any other fact, I can say with certainty that waiting to go back to school was the right decision for me. I’m in a more well-rounded place mentally than I was in 2020. I’ve been more prepared to invest into my education this time around. I’m old enough to have a genuine desire to learn. When I was 18, I was just in college because it was the thing for me to do - now I’ve been doing it for myself. The problem being, I failed to catch up to the space I am now occupying. I’m lacking a vision for what the next step for my journey is meant to be. I legitimately never thought I’d get this far. 

I’m in such a different headspace than I was when I was 19 turning 20. I know things now that I didn't four years ago. I have different motivations. I need different things to survive. I work full-time, while also having to put full-time investment in my education. The way I’ve been planning for the rest of my year has been like micro-dosing a state of burnout. I carry an impending sense of doom within myself. I feel as though if I don’t do everything right now, I will never reach where I’m meant to be. I will never catch up if I don’t make up for the four years of lost time over-night. Honestly, even after typing it out, I’m not sure I can shake that feeling off. As ridiculous as it may sound. The social media chamber of comparison can be quite overwhelming, really. Seeing people my age or younger, people that I went to school with, being in completely different places than me… I’ve developed a sense of stagnation over the years. It’s hard to shake that anxiety, though I’m learning to embrace my own path as well. The first step was realizing nobody I’m comparing myself to is living a life I want. They aren’t working in spaces I want to occupy; some of my age-peers are starting families… I love that for them, don’t get me wrong! However, these are not lifestyles I want for myself during this season of my life. The second step was practicing meditation!

Here is my meditation side-tangent! I’ve never gone to therapy… I know, I’m so well rounded you all probably just assumed, but no! I haven’t. Within this past month, I’ve embraced the art of meditation, and it has transformed me into a very new person with a fully reformed perspective about absolutely everything in my being. I still have anxieties, fears, and I’m always hyper-aware of where I fall short and how I navigate my existence — however getting into meditation has centered me in a way I’ve never felt before. I’ve never felt so in control. I have a sense of knowing no matter where I’m directed, I’m actively moving forward. I know that even when my path gets blurred, I am still on one. I’ve been taught how to be more generous with myself and others. More understanding. I have found a new sense of self-actualization. My guided meditation classes come from Chelsea Jackson Roberts on the Peloton app, though sometimes I take Aditi Shah’s morning meditation classes as well. Both come highly recommended by me, though you don’t need a guide. There’s no wrong way to practice meditation, it’s all whatever works for you first.

I didn’t walk a graduation stage, nor do I even know where my degree is. The uncertainty of my future can still feel scary, though I’m slowly finding comfort in the lack of clarity. Nobody else is writing my story. There’s no deadline for when I have to be at a specific place. It’s all on me. The first half of this year has helped me realize, that’s not a bad thing. That doesn’t have to be scary. It can be uncomfortable, especially considering I know I’ll make many mistakes along the way - such is life. No matter how far I may stumble, no matter how hard I fall, I can always find my way back onto my path. Yesterday my father asked me what my “two-year plan” is (as opposed to a five-year plan) and… as I mentioned earlier, I have no specific vision for my future. I had no answer. But instead of feeling discomforted by that fact… it’s starting to feel very free. As much as I do find it important to have a vision for yourself, I also think not being tied down to just one specific idea of what your life should look like is just as important. To me, at least. That’s just where my head is at today, though. Who knows what it will look like tomorrow.

I can’t write all of this without becoming hyper-aware of the fact that every University in Gaza has been targeted, bombed and destroyed by Israel. The number of murders in this genocide rises every day. I am going to link a few resources I’ve used to either keep updated or found ways to support Palestinians in any capacity. Though, I encourage anyone to link more in the replies to my pinned tweet. Free Palestine, always and forever.